Discostation

2012-01-04T03:30:00.002+08:00

It's inevitable that we make mistakes from time to time.
Some mistakes are harmless, others reversible;
but sometimes they stay with us much longer than we intend for.
I made a silly and impulsive mistake 6 years ago
that's resulted in a physical imprint, a perpetual reminder
whenever I glance in the mirror, try on new clothes, meet new people,
cross the path of strangers on the street...seemingly mindless things
on one's daily routine but which I'm painfully aware of. Though I'm regretful,
I've accepted that these consequences are self inflicted - and in a sense,
they've helped me grow as a person. I'm glad that my friends, family
and those whom I cherish have been able to recognize everything else that I am
beneath the ugly patch of ink on my skin. (Of which I intend to remove
by February, though the lasering process will hurt and take some time to heal)
Yes, we all make mistakes. But instead of harboring over them,
we gotta move forward and take the initiative to make a change.
If you got off the wrong track, don't dwell on the past.
Be forgiving, and don't lose hope! Don't let any mistake deter you
from being who or where you want to be in life :)

2011-12-27T21:47:00.004+08:00

I feel like a fat bitch and it's happening all over again.
It's unravelling like a ball of yarn that you dropped on the floor so carelessly.
And it's rolling away from your grasp.
No, you'll never be able to comprehend this innate fear I possess.
This crazed, warped mindfucking escape plan that I've stored away just for keeps.
One that I painfully avoid.
I'll rid myself of these chains just because I can.
Because its within my locus of control.
Because this is who I am.
A coward.

2011-07-21T23:07:00.003+08:00

Been so long since I updated.
I think I've finally realized that my concept of blogging is...strange.
It feels like I stay rather detached somehow.
I don't know how to organize my thoughts in such a way that it
remains expressive, does not reveal precise information by being elusive,
and avoid being too informal. I think all of these restrictions
defeat the purpose of my blogging process and renders it futile.
We shall see if I manage to seek a solution to this barrier.
Maybe it's time for change.
Till then.

P.S. Yea thanks anon, I know I'm good at being bitchy when I want to.

2011-06-09T01:35:00.002+08:00

Kinda developed more positive feelings toward my prof after several days!
But she gave us a pile of assignments to complete. Fuck.
Oh and baby, don't piss me off.
I'll rip those eyeballs out and stick em' up where the sun don't shine.
Damn I wish I had as much angst as the quote seems to give off.
Unfortunately I'm not as much of an angry, aggressive girl
than a irritable, skeptical, sad girl who likes to whine about things to herself.
Not that I'm feeling depressed or upset or anything,
in fact, I'm feeling pretty contented for now.
FOR NOW. Haha, what a buzzkill. But seriously I'm just sort of waiting.
Because I feel safe and everything, but I'm waiting for that knock on the door.
That thing, event, person, feeling, situation. That change.
Nothing ever stands still. I know that all too well.
I hope it'll be something good. I really do.

2011-06-02T22:02:00.002+08:00

Watched X MEN today with the guys, not too bad! Tired.
Gonna head to bed early today.

2011-05-29T15:25:00.004+08:00

I'm always thinking too much for my own good!
Ehh well some habits are hard to get rid of.
And besides, I only blog when I'm upset so...
I just have to keep reminding myself of that.
Things are well as long as I don't mull over issues that I can't change.

You know, I quite honestly loved behavioral science and the Dr. Olson
was so nice and patient (and she never fails to give me an A).
Pity I still feel that the practical route for me to take is one that
doesn't focus too much on psychology, rather a course that provides
me with more career prospects in the future.
I don't particularly dislike my current module (advanced news gathering)
but I can't say the same for the prof. She gets on my nerves,
especially when she makes those snide remarks on her illusionary high horse
and adjusts her black, cat eye glasses that are all pointy at the end.
And I'll have an on campus module with her in the states as well. Sigh.

My entire family is going on a trip in June and I'll be alone for several days.
Like literally. Guess I'll figure something out with Geraint hehe ;)
Quite happy that I fit into my shortest pair of shorts yesterday,
there was a period of time where I couldn't button it up. LOL
Mustn't let him achieve his goal of feeding me till I turn into a Sumo!

2011-05-26T00:44:00.000+08:00

I'm learning how to be a bitch :)))

2011-05-25T16:44:00.001+08:00

Where are you when I need you most?
I'm running on blind faith alone, taking what's offered with palms open,
these questionable assurances that I so eagerly swallow.
My heart throbs in faint anxiety that dulls with time.
Perhaps it is the selfish heart that claims itself true but feels otherwise?
Who are we to judge?
I'm worried, my stomach hurts, and as I type my vision blurs from watery eyes.
I'll wipe them away hastily and again, I will wait for something else.

2011-05-01T02:15:00.003+08:00

My insecurities have altered me.
Every mistake turned to some kind of yearning.
I am not that girl, you knew me, and there was a time
when I couldn’t find one reason we wouldn’t work.
But there is this swelling that no amount of ice and elevation can cure.
I can't take this anymore. I'm pulling back.

2011-04-29T00:23:00.003+08:00

I just completed seasons 1 and 2 of misfits,
finished up the remaining episodes of big bang theory,
and I AM UTTERLY BORED. The paradox, as Jerome K. once said:
"It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do."
And I have none.
Also I have to figure out how to start saying NO.
No. No. No.
No, not again.
No, thank you I'm not hungry.
No, I'm not okay with it.
No, I don't think so.
And I have to start learning how to make decisions.
Even the really trivial day to day choices that require much less thought
than I imagine I should give. (e.g. Where to eat, what to wear)
Sidetracking here, but I'm pretty excited to see the election results.
Though I do feel that without consolidation of power the fragmented parties
of the opposition cannot and will stand as a proper alternative form of government.
And I hope Geraint gets his rebate by this Sunday.
He's promised to bring me out for some fun!

2011-04-27T01:18:00.001+08:00

I think I've overestimated my significance.

2011-04-23T20:21:00.001+08:00

Seriously need to shed some goddamn weight.

2011-04-16T16:49:00.003+08:00

Love comes with a price. That price is in pounds.
What's reflected on the weighing scale.
Hahaha lol jk. I don't dislike eating with you.
I just kinda like it more than I should.
Need to lose afew pounds...must do it over the term break!
I love you Geraint Chen.

2011-04-13T20:22:00.001+08:00

I feel so inadequate :(

2011-03-29T02:06:00.005+08:00

Why are all my posts so bloody depressing?
I need to drive myself to update this more frequently,
particularly when I DON'T feel blue and moody and upset.
Hahahaha. Oh well :(
Gotta study for my politics paper this Saturday.
No more procrastinating...I'm too darn good at it.
It's shark week, god the timing's just terrible.
Probably going over to Geraint's tomorrow and attempt to get some reading done.

2011-03-22T19:45:00.003+08:00

Fuck this. Fuck everything.

2011-03-15T00:09:00.004+08:00

This is one of the worst modules I've ever had to take.
I'm feeling so much pressure, and I'm starting to question my own ability.
My self efficacy is dissolving. I feel like all this words,
all this information is nothing short of a hard brick that is impossible to swallow,
much less digest. It's just being thrown at my face repeatedly.
I don't know if this is some behavioral or psychological issue but this shit is
really starting to affect me adversely, and I feel absolutely terrible.
I just drank a bottle of cough syrup for the heck of it.
Totally short of the trippiness I want, but it's my best bet.
I want to cry, but it's stupid. I'm not supposed to crack this easily.
I'm strong. I'm strong. I'm strong. I can deal with it.
I can. Please.

2011-03-09T01:39:00.005+08:00

“Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness
to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you.”
— House of Belonging, David Whyte

Don't know what true love is.

Who am I but a cynical romantic stuck in between the lull of reason and desire.

The conversation I had was a reality check. Or a slap, more like.

Does my heart belong to someone I've yet to meet? Does it not?

Do I love you, but not yet enough to give up falling in love again?

Or am I prepared to do so? I can't figure, I can't tell.

All I do know is that I can't lose you. Not yet. Not right now.

It's alright to compromise, sometimes.

I mustn't be too greedy.

2011-03-05T01:39:00.003+08:00

How could something so lovely be so painful at the same time?
I'm happy, but sad.

It makes me feel sick how much I have to rely on you to make me happy,

to make my life so much more bearable. I don't want to.

I want to be happy on my own accord.

I want to learn how to do that. I need to.

2011-03-04T22:55:00.004+08:00

It feels as though there are gaps of silence coating every relationship

with every person I know. How much do we know a person, truly?

It's literally impossible to completely trust the words that spill out

from mouths, the stories that roll from the tip of their tongues.

People can be lovely sometimes. They try.

And after all, I am only human.

I yearn for warmth. For love. For happiness.

But in the end it always hurts.

It always fucking hurts.

I can't figure it out.

It's like realizing you have pieces of a puzzle,

but no matter how you put them together, gaps remain.

Oddly shaped emptinesses that cannot be named.

Why can't I be content?

Do I feel like I don't deserve to be content?

Does my subconscious refuse to believe that I can?

2011-03-03T14:14:00.006+08:00

I was up last night. The past couple of nights.

I've never had much trouble getting to sleep.

But last night, a thought had pierced through my dome of repressed irritation

of being unable to disengage my mind from going into overdrive.

Like a burning matchstick, that thought set my metaphorical gas tank of a mind ablaze.

I was going to die. I was going to die, really soon.

The terrible haunting fear lingered like a dark, moving shadow

that traced the slightest movements of even my fingers. I lay still, afraid.

The irrational fear of a faceless death waiting to pounce

and rip my existence into shreds consumed me. I was terrified.

Both of the possibility and the lack of it - the sheer ludicrosity.

What would it matter, anyway? No one could save me from my ways.

I'm losing it. My sanity. Whatever is left of it.

2011-02-26T18:56:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wish recovery didn't mean getting FAT.

I feel guilty of hating her because she reminds me of everything I hate.

Everything I used to be. Everything that I fought so hard to get rid of.

Fat, ugly, greedy, disgusting.

If healthy means being like this then I don't want to be healthy anymore.

2011-02-24T01:36:00.003+08:00

I completed The Great Gatsby today. It was so beautifully written.

And I'm also posting now at 1.30am because I'm waiting for my hair to dry.

Just stepped out of the shower after a much needed jog.

I'm heading to bed soon, intend to get up pretty early to meet Geraint.

We are going on a short little "vacation", just the two of us;

a chalet, the pool, lots of cuddling, drinks and good food. Excited!

2011-02-22T15:55:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing.

How it's possible to feel what I'm feeling.

Where I'm supposed to be heading.

Who I'm supposed to trust.

When things will change, if they ever will.

Why these recurring thoughts seem to be haunting me, night and day.

Ten thousand and one commonplace things that seem so puerile,

fluttering like moths around a dying flame. Time trickles by at times;

how absurd, most would think, because their joyous laughter carries

away years without the unwelcome visits from their consciousness.

Well it certainly does not apply to me.

It is not unusual for me to go to bed wishing I could wake up as someone else.

Though at other times I would lie very still and feel safe beneath the covers.

Safe from the curious world beyond my windowsill. Safe from myself.

2011-02-17T01:30:00.003+08:00

Today, I'm happy!

2011-02-15T17:41:00.003+08:00

As a jealous person, I suffer four times over.

Because I am jealous, I blame myself for being so,

because I feel my jealousy will wound the other,

because I allow myself to be subject to a banality:

I suffer from being excluded, from being agressive,

from being crazy, and from being common.

People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.

But isn't it better to be lonely than hurt?

2011-02-10T17:02:00.006+08:00

I'm staying at home today, again.

Boredom is seeping from every pore on the surface of my skin,

emitting from the fibers of my body. Here I am lying in bed twisted in the sheets,

collecting thoughts. I lack ambition. I feel raw. Empty. Reckless.

I need something, anything, to make my colorless mind breathe.

2011-02-08T23:36:00.002+08:00

This picture doesn't do justice to the awesome "special fish" dish

Geraint prepared yesterday. It is soooo damn gooooooooooooooooood.

2011-02-07T23:36:00.000+08:00

News flash.

I'm officially licensed to drive.

HELL YEAH

2011-02-06T22:12:00.004+08:00

I AM SO NERVOUS OMG

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ME PASS MY TP TOMORROW

PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I want to drive! Failure is not an option :(

2011-01-30T21:07:00.004+08:00

I need to lose a few pounds, geez.

2011-01-27T15:51:00.003+08:00

I feel like there's a layer of sadness in me that won't go away.

It's exhausting, confusing. I want to erase every bit of cynicism,

scratch out every rotten and ugly thought that is etched in my brain.

I want to cut the ropes and free fall into the unknown,

not lower myself down cautiously and dread every moment of it.

I'm afraid that this person - me, now; is all I'll ever allow myself to be.

I don't want to live my life like this.

But I don't know how to change.

I'm suspended in time, for awhile.

Caught in a little air bubble staring at reality from a distance.

It's warm in here, no memories of the past, no visions of the future.

There is only now. The present. It's blissful.

But it lasts only momentarily.

Then I'm back to being exhausted with life. Back to being insincere.

Back to monotony. Back to idleness. Back to everything that I hate to love.

2011-01-26T22:27:00.005+08:00

Why the fuck do I have to study the anatomy of the brain.
I'm studying mass comm, not medicine...

I am secretly excited about valentine's day, oh lord.

Life is swell :>

2011-01-24T23:55:00.005+08:00

Stomach crampsssssssssssssssssssss. Jesus.

Might partly explain my reckless driving this afternoon, lol.

I'm kinda anxious about my TP on 7th Feb.

I really miss my long hair T_T

Dear hair. Grow faster, please?

2011-01-22T19:10:00.002+08:00

2011-01-15T23:02:00.000+08:00

2011-01-08T03:25:00.007+08:00

Sometimes when I focus on a little negative thought,

I connect it to something, then draw it out further and examine the entire picture

(simply put, merely a spectrum of examples to emphasize on the former idea)

I will find myself so completely dismantled. I swear to god.

It's like I've just hit myself in the face with a frying pan.

And then I get all blue and moody and stuff.

Well maybe I'm just being melodramatic. I hope it's just pms.

Perhaps I'll be getting my period soon? Hahaha.
Tally ho.

2011-01-01T22:18:00.002+08:00

It's a brand new year. Everyone's jolly with their celebrations.

I don't think it's any different, though.

We're mostly using the future to escape the present.

But that hope gets us somewhere, I guess.

I need that so much right now.

2010-11-17T03:08:00.000+08:00

2010-11-15T23:18:00.002+08:00

Ambling on tiptoes under aged trees still glistening with evening dew,

the scent of primrose and daisies lingering as our fingers interwine;

We'll lay in the grass and draw shapes out of the clouds in the vast blue sky.

You'll hum a tune and I'll close my eyes, we'll watch the sun descend.

The horizon, it'll brim in a mirage of candy coloured transformation,

a magnificent blend of cerise and violet.

Nestling in your lap, basking in the soft warm glow of the fire.

Enchanted by the fizzle and sparkling flames. A breeze whispers.

2010-11-12T00:29:00.002+08:00

I always tell myself it's all good. That everyone has habitual deficiencies.

Life goes on, whether you get the perfect pancake or the burnt one at the bottom of the pan.

But deep down in the dark wretched depths of my tainted soul I'm screaming for more.

More love. More security. More happiness. More money. More contentment. More material.

What I have isn't enough, and satisfaction is never within reach.

Like how god made certain people wealthier, smarter, prettier, lovelier.

How some people seem to hold everything we want in the palm of their hand,

and others rot in a dismal hell hole, condemned to a bleak existence of dire emptiness.

I don't understand. Nothing adds up. It's all warped.

To-do List

2010-11-05T20:31:00.005+08:00

1) Practical driving lessons
2) Cycling
3) Movies with Geraint
4) Jogging with Feli
5) Swimming
6) Book a chalet
7) Visit USS
8) Wild Wild Wet
9) Get a new hobby

2010-10-26T14:48:00.001+08:00

Love you to death baby ♥

2010-10-24T16:59:00.003+08:00

I really really really really really hate myself for feeling so conflicted.

I know what I truly think but I also know what I shouldn't be thinking about.

Same goes for how I'm feeling. And it's messing everything up.

2010-10-20T20:13:00.003+08:00

Life gets so static sometimes.

Lately I've been dreaming about leaving this city,

somewhere beyond the vast obscurity of this tiny place.

I want to explore, and marvel in the bright lights and spectacular possibilities out there.

The world is a book and I've only seen a few pages.

Jersey Shore and The Real World are like two of my secret guilty pleasures.

Perhaps its these shows that propel me to yearn for some fun (that no doubt comes with a price).

I can't wait for my graduation trip! Why can't time pass faster?

2010-09-05T01:08:00.002+08:00

You make me smile.
All the time. Even my heart feels like it's capable of smiling, now.
What magic spell have you cast upon me?
I hope it can never be reversed, or broken.
Seems like what they say is true. Whenever our hearts are reallyyyyyyyy involved,
everything just comes out in moron. Whatever happened to my own rules?
Poof :)

2010-08-29T22:03:00.001+08:00

The minute you stop hoping, someone will bring you back up.
This, coming from someone who does not believe in human relationships,
has just sprung from my fingertips. This time, it won’t be frivolous,
now you’ve said so yourself. Words have always been disposable, of course,
but we both know our trashcans are already overflowing, so good luck with that.
I am doing my best to not get ahead of myself, we’re stumbling over our own feet,
carefully treading on this new found contingency.
Honey keep feeding my happiness,
this smile plastered on my face has gotten quite ridiculous.

2010-08-20T01:28:00.001+08:00

:(

2010-08-08T03:51:00.004+08:00

It's alarming how these fake, delusional bitches/wankers are multiplying rapidly.
I feel suffocated. "Fucked up generation" is an understatement.

Delirium never felt so good

2010-08-04T22:56:00.002+08:00

Everything worth knowing leaves bruises

2010-07-26T22:59:00.001+08:00

I saw the days of the year stretching ahead like a series of bright, white boxes,
and seperating one box from another was sleep, like a black shade.
Only for me, the long perspective of shades that set off one box
from the next had suddenly snapped up,
and I could see day after day after day
glaring ahead of me like a white, broad, infinitely desolate avenue.
-Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

2010-07-24T21:06:00.001+08:00

2010-07-04T22:04:00.000+08:00

Screw optimism

2010-07-03T18:08:00.002+08:00

You know how it feels to be really depressed?
Depressed, but not for any kind of specific cataclysmic reason.
It's more like just a perpetual state of abstract depression,
and maybe you've learnt to lie so well to people that eventually you're convinced
that this is who you are and this monstrous evil doesn't exist and it isn't
dwelling somewhere behind that false shadow who's supposed to be a temporary
substitute. You're pretending it won't erupt and overflow and consume you.
Despite being aware of your subconscious coaxing you that it's fine to play games,
that it's okay to package yourself with lies like wrapping paper on a defective toy,
it's a fact that you came off the assembly line flat-out fucked.
Sometimes it feels like you should've been taken back for repairs,
or perhaps even been replaced, before the warranty ran out.
Can you relate?

stress doesn't even cover it

2010-06-30T14:01:00.001+08:00

Lord save me.

Hur hur life is cheesy good fun, not.

2010-06-26T04:02:00.006+08:00

Took up a temp job for Lancôme, which will start once my term break commences.
Have not studied for Mass Media Research paper scheduled next Friday.
Group assignment not completed, GP due in a month and FTT on 19/7.
Holy cow. Must not procrastinate. Efficiency and productivity is key.
ARGHHHHH

Anyways I guess I shouldn't be so gullible anymore.
Instead of merely being paranoid I should hold my guard.
Ensure that a clear line is drawn.

Yeah, and also though I don't specifically mention to keep certain
things under wraps, it's basic etiquette and respect that should guide
you into not broadcasting stuff like that. Surprised and dissapointed,
but well at least now I have a better picture of your habitual deficiencies.
I don't think there's any point in all of this petulant remarks to garner attention.

boomz

2010-06-21T19:17:00.003+08:00

LMAO.

Okay, feel like going for a jog all of a sudden and
I don't have a proper pair of running shoes. Dammit!
Maybe I'll go cycling for a bit later.
Just realized what an extreme difference it makes to take initiative.
Being so accustomed to passivity has made me a rather boring,
whiny bitch hasn't it. On a side note, I really do hate morning lectures.

wasted daylight

2010-06-20T22:49:00.005+08:00

Last night was a blast :)
I rather fancy having a bite of kit kat now.

Sometimes I miss you. I miss being needed.
Lust, lust, lust. Everyone's misled and consumed.
If the shattering of hearts emitted some form of static,
the world would be a broken radio.
But life goes on, and we're dying every second.
Carpe diem.

indeed

2010-06-18T23:58:00.002+08:00

And well I reckon they should make cards that say Fuck You,
because I think you really deserve one right now. ASSHOLE

2010-06-17T17:11:00.004+08:00

I laughed and died. I'm going to atheist hell.

this

2010-06-17T02:08:00.001+08:00

lol omg :')

2010-06-16T23:13:00.003+08:00

I've never despised anyone so much before.
Never felt so afraid, never felt how fragile life can be.
Never knew how easy it was to fall and never get up.
I've always had to learn things the hard way, and this time is no exception.
I was planning my next course of action within that span of an hour,
and it was the closest i've ever come to a nervous breakdown while waiting at the clinic.
No adjective could ever describe that sort of fucked up psychological shit I went through.
Life is really really short and unpredictable.
Whoever reads this, if anyone ever does;
cherish every moment and live, really live. Don't just exist.

the forbidden, common, polished apples

2010-06-05T14:32:00.006+08:00

Hypothetically speaking, would you choose something
a) you absolutely adore but hate to love,
b) you feel comfortable with but find no thrill in,
c) you find alluring but are unsure of its contents?

Like anybody would ever see this. Lol. Fucking hell.

if you do, if you don't

2010-05-29T11:59:00.002+08:00

This silence hurts me more than anything you could say.
Broken knuckles, broken heart. I fell in love then fell apart.
You tried to run-I tried to hide. Still, we managed to collide.
Fell so hard, matching scars. Held you close, felt so far.
Hearts beating out of time.
You're screaming with no reason and no rhyme.

fuck no

2010-05-22T19:06:00.002+08:00

Everything's been pretty fucked up lately.
I feel fucking exasperated and helpless and upset and tired and worried.
Shit happens, yes. But every fucking day?
Give me a fucking break!

The Runaways

2010-05-20T21:13:00.002+08:00

oh, for the love of bread

2010-05-08T02:05:00.003+08:00

Phone convo.

Lois: What should I wear tomorrow?
Me: Clothes!
Lois: Duh. I was thinking jeans...
Me: (spots a loaf of gardenia bread on the dining table) How about bread?
Lois: Huh? What?
Me: Bread. Breadddddd.
Lois: ...BREAD?
Me: Yes, imagine creating clothes out of bread. HOLY COW. HAHAHA
Lois: ...
Me: OH MY GOD. But it wouldn't work. Cos after walking barely 2 metres
from your doorstep an entire flock of birds would start pecking at
your "clothes" and you'd be left stark naked. HAHAHA.
Lois: Er, okay. I'm speechless! So tired right now.
Me: Then why not just lie down on your bed...like a loaf of bread.
And in the morning you will rise! OMFG HAHA DID YOU GET THAT?

updateeeeeeee

2010-05-02T21:08:00.002+08:00

Kick Ass, Date night, Bounty Hunter, Ip Man 2; watched.
New mango wallet!
Recovered from momentary memory lapse.
Lime and cranberry vodka @ homeclub with Fadhli.
Barely enough sleep, hence am not at yello jello.
(Constellation Rising's gig + couple of drinks)
Contemplating on when to actively search for part time job.
Further anticipate rapid depletion of cash funds within next 2 weeks.
Next module's lectures are mostly scheduled 8.30 in the fucking morning!
Screw it.

ARGHHHHH FUCK YOU

2010-04-30T23:40:00.003+08:00

Fucking ingrate.
Being nice gets me nowhere, I should ingrain this into my mind.

tinseltown

2010-04-28T19:16:00.002+08:00

LOL

2010-04-27T12:39:00.000+08:00

hello idle mind

2010-04-26T01:50:00.003+08:00

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF

I’m weird
I am incredibly & sometimes unbearably 'lame'
I loveeee going to the movies
I set my own limits
I can't live without chilli padi
I think a lot
I can feel comfortable in silence
I like the smell of fresh sheets, new books, vanilla
I think life is an enigma
I can't quite figure myself out either, sometimes

NINE THINGS YOU’VE THOUGHT ABOUT RECENTLY

Food
Menthol
My lack of revision
How mundane life can be
My tentative plans for the week
Booze
Getting a kitten
Money
Certain people

EIGHT WAYS TO WIN YOUR HEART

Make me laugh/smile
Chauvinism (to an extent)
Romanticism (occasionally)
Not be a miser
Sincerity
Honesty
Love me

SEVEN FAVORITE SONGS YOU’VE HAD.

Elements - A Fine Frenzy
The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice
Boston - Augustana
Heart - Stars
Hush - Automatic Loveletter
Shine on - Jet
The world we know - I Can Make A Mess Like Nobody's Business

SIX THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU GO TO BED.

Brush teeth
Shut down laptop
Text
Set alarm if necessary
Plug in my ipod (sometimes)
Switch off lights

FIVE THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY TO FIVE DIFFERENT PEOPLE RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT.

I miss hanging out with you
I can't read your signals
Are you one of them?
I absolutely adore you
Screw you and your moral issues

FOUR THINGS YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW.

Facebook
Texting
This
Breathing

THREE THINGS YOU’RE SCARED OF

Reptiles and bugs
My insecurities
Being hurt

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

Have a hell lot of fun
Live. Like, really live.

ONE CONFESSION

Sometimes I secretly use my peripherals to look at people and judge them.

roflolmao

2010-04-25T00:48:00.000+08:00

Every mistake's turned to some kind of yearning

2010-04-19T18:38:00.001+08:00

Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.
If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift,
or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.
For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining;
and passion, unattended,
is a flame that burns to its own destruction.

I'm not going to weave some poem of distress

2010-04-18T23:26:00.004+08:00

Fuck this. FUCK! Seriously.

We are all victims of the rules we live by.

2010-04-15T22:27:00.000+08:00

sunday

2010-04-11T21:02:00.002+08:00

We'll fight your demons when they start to show.
I would never mind a sudden change, sometimes it gets us on our better days.
We're merely victims of the circumstance.
Breathe in as you spin in circles. So breathe me in my love, in circles.
One of these frozen days my heart will sing sweet again.
Chisel away, shard of ice to drop of water.
I am melting.

Screw the PR paper!

2010-04-08T15:22:00.004+08:00

I just wanna have some fun.

2010-04-07T14:06:00.001+08:00

poisoned candy apples

2010-03-28T03:03:00.005+08:00

What the fuck am I doing?

Well, having fun.
Albeit it's a strange sort of fun.
And because it's unconventional, it's fascinating.
But it scares me. I've never intended to cross boundaries that I limit myself to.
Still, am I as mulish and inexorable as I make myself out to be?
Aren't we all victims of circumstance?

Time will tell, one breathes in my ear.
The other screeches in definitive disagreement.
Surrounded by a sea of grey faces, contorted with ugly smirks.
An unrelenting cacophony punishes my ears.
What a lamentable situation I seem to have found myself in.

peculiar tendencies

2010-03-27T16:18:00.005+08:00

I am perhaps, she thought with deadpan humour,
like a sack of the saddest potatoes anyone has ever come across.
Dull, curious looking, with bruises all over (not in a literal sense).
The sulphurous rays filtered into the room while the ceiling fan hummed a still lullaby.
She lay rigid, feigning sleep. But her eyelids didn't shut out the light.
They hung the raw, red screen of their tiny vessels in front of her like a wound.

I drink to stay warm and kill selected memories.

2010-03-21T22:38:00.000+08:00

And I got lost between the curves, this empty glass my life is worth
But underneath your smoking breath, I heard you say,
"There's still something left, just go out and find it.
Things could be different. You could be happy."

medicine for melancholy

2010-03-20T04:04:00.001+08:00

The heart has a lack of colour. Silence solidifies within the hollow void,
and again I will try to sleep it off with static ringing in my head.
Grotesque figures lurk in every corner, their screeching incessant.
A lonesome stranger resides in the gutter, breathing emptiness.
The world remains indifferent.
Desolation radiates and settles in my bones;
but darling this remedy is worse than disease.
I could give you a taste.

10 new facts about me that you shouldn't know; but you're going to know since i'm going to tell you anyway

2010-03-18T23:20:00.003+08:00

1. My threshold for alcohol is improving due to constant exposure to
my friends (especially the borderline alcoholic caucasians) who drink anytime,
anywhere, anyday.

2. My life is fucking boring.

3. Due to the above mentioned, I am contemplating just going ahead
and getting together with some guy whom I know probably has agendas.

4. Then again, it would be pointless. And it probably wouldn't last long anyway.

5. That being said, I'm still paranoid that I might become some old skeptical
bag of flesh afew years down the road, decomposing on my couch and watching
sad indie films about awkward people after being too accustomed to a life void
of love and all that shit.

6. Screw the world! Screw it!

7. I can't believe I just realised Jesus said backwards sounds like sausage.

8. My weekly allowance is pathetic.

9. I walked into a second hand bookstore today and I found 'The Bell Jar'
by sylvia plath and I wanted to buy it because her works are beyond brilliant,
but the book was all yellow and it seemed almost as if a whole community of
silverfish was residing within it and the selling price was $23.50! And I reckon
it's not practical to spend that sort of money on a tattered second hand book.
But now I sort of regret not getting it.

10. There is no tenth fact because I'm running out of things to write mainly due
to the fact that my life is unexciting and predictable and even my name is so
bloody common and boring. There are gazillions of Andrea Tans on facebook!

SAVEEEEE MEEEEEEE

2010-03-16T17:41:00.004+08:00

I'm having a fat fat fat day :(
School is boring.
Life is boring.
FUCK
Aliens should fucking land on my porch now and hand me one of their
crazy purple laser guns that turn people into jell-o and I will go on a
massive rampage and shoot the hell out of everyone HAHAHA

2010-03-07T00:43:00.001+08:00

Can't hold my liquor for nuts.

right as rain

2010-03-04T14:05:00.003+08:00

It’s a requiem of moments I keep living through them
But where’s the monster in the closet?
I can’t find the hangman inside his hood
I guess evil don’t exist when times are good.

:) :) :)

2010-02-28T15:43:00.001+08:00

muse

2010-02-27T13:20:00.000+08:00

Black lake, black boat, two black, cut-paper people.
Where do the black trees go that drink here?
Their shadows must cover canada.

A little light is filtering from the water flowers.
Their leaves do not wish us to hurry;
They are round and flat and full of dark advice.

Cold worlds shake from the oar.
The spirit of blackness is in us; it is in the fishes.
A snag is lifting a valedictory, pale hand;

Stars open among the lilies.
Are you not blinded by such expressionless sirens?
This is the silence of astounded souls.

- Crossing the water by Sylvia Plath

disorder

2010-02-24T22:21:00.001+08:00

I wish my lines were more poetic,
but again I will drag nails down chalkboards to get my heart out.
These little things that itch under my skin have got me all scabbed up from scratching.
If I could manage to maintain more air in my lungs,
perhaps I would exhale the smoke that has built up.
But I know a part of me likes the suffocation.

Life is indeed a pain at times.

staring in wordlessness

2010-02-21T21:13:00.003+08:00

It's quiet here except for your ample breathing,
welcome to the art of conversation with yourself.
Recounting the details of lost time,
I laugh because the world is absurd and beautiful and small.
So puzzled at these feelings that are caught between every rib.
I must be in the wrong body. Must've stumbled in.

monday monday monday

2010-02-21T01:18:00.003+08:00

The anxiety's finally beginning to set in.
Just picture this wild thing springing up and pacing in circles,
accelerating in speed, arms flailing and eyebrows furrowed.
That's me.

HOLY CRAP. I know it might not seem like a big deal to most people,
but for someone as socially awkward as I used to be, it is.

I hope things go well!

yellow nails tomorrow

2010-02-20T01:03:00.006+08:00

Fun day out on Thursday. Caught (Percy Jackson and The Olympian's)
The Lightning Thief with Nicholas, following that was a visit to the Mint Museum of Toys.
Spotted it by chance en route city hall, from dhoby. What luck!
Parted ways and went for a drink at Indochine, then blackjack at Dandy's.
I kinda just learnt the ropes last night. School starts on Monday.
Shall further elaborate on thoughts soon.

Oddly, Nicholas has a prefernce for formal wear.

Friggin insane, I'd like to find out its cost price.

Oh, my favourite section.

Pardon the error. Was requested to leave a note in a guestbook of some sort.

Wet feet.

Dandy, Jaron.

2010-02-18T02:35:00.001+08:00

A different perspective

2010-02-16T00:31:00.003+08:00

"Man, I was thinking about unrequited love.
I figure it's best to just walk that shit off. Find someone else to be excited about.
It's like if you love ice cream but your ice cream man friend won't give any.
Maybe he's got a good reason. It cuts into profits. Who knows?
But he likes you as a friend and wants to hang out anyway.
It just drives you crazy to hang out with that dude,
even if he's being reasonable from his point of view.
So don't hang out with him. What, you only like ice cream?
It's ice cream or nothing? Don't be an asshole. Learn to love donuts."

- Joey Comeau

Am deeply apologetic.
Still, I'm unable to reciprocate because those feelings aren't mutal.
I'm out of ice cream. It's your decision.

2010-02-13T02:56:00.000+08:00

Just here for the bad weather

2010-02-10T16:05:00.000+08:00

"There are few people whom I really love,
and still fewer of whom I think well.
The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it."

-Pride and Prejudice

Oh, the shadows that lure you

2010-02-09T22:50:00.003+08:00

Errrr okay, this is probably none of my business but I just felt
that I ought to post something here to sort of explain things from my perspective
lest there be any further complications arising from misconceptions that might
form, based on merely words alone. Of course, any individual in the right
state of mind would initially percieve this somewhat complex situation in a certain
way, which is to say that it should be commonly seen as a budding relationship.
But no, because there are various ways in which one can express themselves,
and in this specific person's case, he tends to be far more vocal in aspects of
how he extends his graciousness, kindness, concern (and whatever traits you
might perhaps be able to identify) it is perfectly ordinary to misunderstand,
since there are no other sources of information to verify with. However,
I wish to state clearly that my friend and I, we are merely friends and
have no intention of taking things any further than that.
And that's all there is to it.

My brain probably resembles some sort of scribbly cloud right now.
Christ, why are human relationships so complex?
And despite myself, there are almost always instances whereby I am
unable to supress the need to explain in my own terms, how it is theoretically
correct to assume a certain thought, or how cognitive responses are,
how our generation is off on a downward spiral of bleak progress, et cetera.
I should perhaps cease the habitual lamenting of an idealistic non-conformist,
but what would there be left with to contemplate about? For our society is but
a reflection of the shallow priorities that the masses are so concerned with.
As always, I am contradicting.

i'm just a queer, awkward girl with issues

2010-02-04T16:43:00.004+08:00

OMG I'VE BECOME SUCH A GLOOMY WET SOD.
I wonder why! Is it age? The food I'm eating? The things I'm thinking?
Perhaps a consecutive string of incidents that altered my emotional channels?
Haha. Geez. I need to cheer up.
Anyway, short update on what's been going on recently.
First and foremost, moviesssss. I've been watching quite a number recently.
Nicholas and I watched Legion on....let me recall now, Saturday?
Then the next one was The Box, with Jaron and his pal Dandy (If i'm not mistaken).
And yesterday it was The imaginarium of Dr.Parnussus, with Austin.
I would say that all of them were equally misleading, based on the exciting trailers
and whatnot. Christ, I wonder what the scriptwriters were thinking.
It was kind of like....about there, but a total anti-climax when the credits rolled.
Anyway, today's sort of a rest day whereby I allow myself to decompose a little
at home in the comfort of my room in front of a life draining source (laptop).
Tomorrow should be loads of fun with the girls.
Then I'll be out with counsellor and his group of friends on Saturday,
and tentative plans to meet Jon for coffee on Sunday.
It's all good for this week, but I'm not sure about the next.
Anyway, life goes on whether it sucks or not. So, might as well stop moaning
and get over it I suppose. I don't give a shit as to what a certain guy did,
and I don't want to fawn too much over a younger sister who hardly even
cares about herself, much less for me. All the worrying will be for naught.
Cheers to the remaining time I have left before school starts!
OH speaking of which, valentines is drawing near.
I'm ashamed to say this but thank god it's falling on the first day of cny.
That way I won't have a reason to feel lonely this time of the year. Haha!

To my lil' sis

2010-02-03T21:46:00.005+08:00

Claudia,
I doubt anything I say now would change your mindset now,
or would perhaps probe some contemplation as to what kind of person
you have decided to become. Because at this rate you will probably just
laugh it off and ignore my existence or whatever.
I will not spew a never ending sermon based on the beliefs or morals that I have,
of which I wish you could understand. Therefore all I can say is that
I pray that time passes quickly and soon you will realize that a fucked up lifestyle
isn't always the best. It just happens that many people around you seem to like
living like that. Anyway.....yeah. I'm just trying to ignore my conscience.
Because right now even though it's bugging the shit fuck out of me I don't want
to do anything pointless and try to talk to you. I'll be here if you ever need me.

Lol, seriously. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing.